[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
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I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
No point crayon over spilled milk.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
me when i see my girls butt
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.