I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
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Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
Why soy sad?
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
12653.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?