Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
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A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart