[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
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Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.