“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
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*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Alexa; make it look like an accident
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.