“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
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Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less