[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
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So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
and now we wait
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)