[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
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My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.