In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
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Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
How wrong was this guy?
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.