Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
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A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
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I still have Pringles?
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.