I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
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You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.