It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
You Might Also Like
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?