me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
You Might Also Like
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.