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Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time