I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
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I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
seems like a niche market
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.