Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
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It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad