[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
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I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Dolls on drugs
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.