they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
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And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Coffee for people with no kids
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid