When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
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Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.