My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
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Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
I would move hell over six inches for you
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.