Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
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*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
The three genders.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?