Took my kid to the ER recently and just got two bills…one for the ER and one for the doctor we saw at the ER. Sorry, I didn’t realize there was an option to just go to the ER without seeing a doctor and just hang out.
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How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
This is sending me to another galaxy
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.