The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
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I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
fixed it
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.