WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
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“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
when you don’t want to be too vague
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Ken is short for chicken
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list