There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
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I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
True freaking story!
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.