It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
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I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
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HEYYYY MACARENA
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
All set.
Autocorrect completely socks
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.