The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
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[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
🙋♀️
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.