waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
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ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
i dont have time for this
My dream job is getting paid to dream
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today