Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
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Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.