The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
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I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you