My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
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Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home