It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
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Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.