There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
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[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.