ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
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The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card