saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
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[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
The three genders
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it