I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
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i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
incredible text to wake up to
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them