9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
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My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
*weighs self after shaving
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.