I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
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Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
and now we wait
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
A classic…
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?