Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
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I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .