[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
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[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.