Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
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called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha