I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
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Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Godspeed, John Glenn
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart