why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 馃槶
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Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 馃崬
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
Friend: What鈥檚 it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
buys donuts instead
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
As always, Wile E. Coyote鈥檚 plan had unexpected consequences.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
I鈥檓 sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I鈥檓 a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
The closest I鈥檒l ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don鈥檛 underst鈥攊t鈥檚 2:15, you can鈥檛 have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I鈥檓 threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes