My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
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Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
some Old Testament wisdom
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them