*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
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Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?