My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
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Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
#CatsOnTwitter
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
My dad is at it again
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
I was just discussing this with my cat
never deleting this app.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
synchronized noseblowing
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back