I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
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I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
this FaceApp is creepy af
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
Duolingo getting serious.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
my first day as a raccoon
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s