I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
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Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
peep davidson
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!