People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
You Might Also Like
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children