Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
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Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.